Recess Revolution Read online

  In science class, we talked about how a body in motion (like me, growing) will remain in motion unless acted upon by some other force.

  In math class, we had this word problem: “If a locker is 3' x 1' x 1', how many books 3" x 12" x 8" can fit in the locker?” The answer was four—at least for any locker I’m stuffed in.

  But the worst happened after school.

  I was hiding behind a tree waiting for Roy to get on his bus so that I could get on my bus without being hassled.

  I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find him. Or smell him (Roy uses a lot of body spray).

  Eventually, I caught a whiff of grapefruit chocolate musk, and about minute or so later, I saw Roy.

  He was walking toward his bus when he suddenly stopped … and officially made this THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!

  Roy stopped to talk to BECKY! He can’t do that! Didn’t he know she’s MY alternate universe girlfriend?

  My heart sank, my shoulders sagged, and my knees gave way. I collapsed and immediately asked …

  CHAPTER 5

  First, my busybody guidance counselor sentences me to a life of loserdom. Next, my sworn enemy dares to speak to my alternate universe girlfriend. Then, I get covered in ant bites. And finally, I get home from school, and Mom yells at me for leaving the milk out.

  Our bull terrier knocked the carton of milk off the counter when she was counter-surfing. Janice and milk do not mix. Now she’ll be farting for days.

  My life stinks. And it’s not just Janice.

  It’s been like this for the last two years—since Mom and Dad split up. One second you’re a kid and you’re part of this family, and then everything changes and you’re a part of … what?

  It feels weird—like you’re jumping off a swing, and you look down and the ground is gone. You fall. And you keep falling until you get used to it and forget you’re falling until a day like today happens … and you wake up and realize … you’re still falling.

  It’s not all bad. Birthdays are way better after a divorce. Everyone feels sorry for you.

  Also, Memaw moving in has helped a lot. It’s hard to be sad with Memaw around.

  For example, when I went to look for Janice to put her outside, I found that Memaw had tied one of those deodorizer trees to her tail.

  If Memaw were a superhero, her superpower would be deodorizing. She wears an air-freshener in a holster on her belt.

  Before I could get out of the way, Memaw started spraying at will. I fled the cloud of deodorizer fog to the dining room, where Mom was setting the table for dinner.

  I was a little surprised to see Mom at home. She’s a nurse, and her schedule can be sort of random. Sometimes she just sort of appears— like a ninja—out of thin air. Keeps me on my toes. Which I’m pretty sure is why she does it.

  She works in the emergency room at the hospital. This means I hear every horrible story about how some stupid kid got hurt. I’m surprised she doesn’t send me to school with a Secret Service detail.

  Still, Mom’s pretty cool—for a mom. I can talk to her if I need to, even though I have to be careful not to freak her out about school stuff. The last thing I need is my mom trying to protect me from Roy.

  We finally sat down to eat. We were having mac and cheese with tuna. We eat a LOT of mac and cheese. We eat it with tuna, hamburger, sausage, and my favorite: baloney. We eat it because it’s easy and it goes with everything, but mostly because it’s the only thing Memaw will eat. It’s filled with preservatives. Memaw says the preservatives are what’re preserving her.

  About halfway through dinner, Mom asks me how my day was. Like I was really going to tell her I’m doomed and am going to have to hide in the basement for the rest of my life.

  So I told her my day was “Fine.”

  “Fine?” she asked.

  My mom has this super-annoying way of knowing when things are not fine. I don’t know how she does it. It’s some sort of psychic brain squish-squeeze thing.

  My only smart response was to hit her with WTMI: Way Too Much Information. I bombarded her with lots and lots of boring WTMI about class assignments, the lunch menu, how many pencils I sharpened, how there was no toilet paper in the third stall in the first floor boys’ bathroom, and the color of Dr. Daniels’s shoes.

  “You saw Dr. Daniels today?” she asked. “Did something happen? Why wasn’t I told?”

  I always forget there’s such a thing as WWTMI: Way WAY Too Much Information.

  I scrambled. “I saw her in the hall,” I said. “Her shoes were seriously purple. Bright purple. Hurt-my-eyes purple.”

  Mom gave me that mom-look that says, You can run, but you can’t hide.

  “Mm-huh,” she said as she spotted the rip in my shirt. “What happened there?”

  I decided to play it safe and go back to basics. I shrugged.

  Mom turned to Memaw and raised an eyebrow. “It’s a mystery.”

  Memaw shook her head. “A mystery is like a pig wearin’ underwear. Don’t make no sense till you see him puttin’ on pants.”

  We all stared at one another for a second. Then Mom snorted. I giggled. And Memaw did that weird whooping thing she does. Everything was cool again …

  … for about three seconds, until Memaw started choking.

  Mom jumped up and slapped Memaw hard on the back. A piece of macaroni shot out of Memaw’s mouth, sailed across the room, landed on the TV screen, and stuck there.

  We all took a deep breath, looked at one another, and lost it. We laughed so hard, I started to think how I would miss all this if I had to hide in the basement for the rest of my life.

  CHAPTER 6

  After supper I watched Dr. Holmes with Memaw. It was the one with the guy with the brain-eating amoebas.

  After Memaw fell asleep, I swiped her phone and ran to my room. I use her phone to text Roy so that I can say stuff to him I can’t say as Nick Ramsey. Since Memaw’s real name is Maxine, or Max for short, and shows up that way on reverse lookup, all Roy knows is that someone named Max sends him texts that really, really annoy him.

  You see, I’ve been me my whole life. And it’s okay, I guess. I mean, except for last couple years with the not-growing thing … and the Roy thing … and the Becky thing … and now this Safety Patrol thing.

  But that’s just the outside me. There’s another me on the inside who’s tall and strong and always smells like pie.

  One day, I started wondering how I could get the inside me on the outside. How could I turn myself inside out?

  I found the answer where all life’s answers are: in my favorite comic book, NanoNerd.

  NanoNerd was born without a spine. It wasn’t until he downloaded his consciousness into the NanoBot and became the first android/nerd hybrid that he truly became himself.

  Since I couldn’t figure out a way to download my consciousness into a NanoBot, I figured out a simpler way to turn myself inside out.

  By day, I’m Nick Ramsey: short, shy, and invisible. By night, with the help of Memaw’s cell phone, I text as the tall, confident, and popular … Max Pounder!

  Here’s what I texted that night.

  Nick: Hey, Roy! u r so dumb u sleep with a solar-powered night-light

  Roy texted Max back:

  Roy: If I ever find out who u r, I’m gonna sit on u until brains come out your nose!

  As Memaw would say, it’s a hoot to text Roy! It makes that twenty-ninth visit to Dr. Daniels’s office, when I snagged her class cell phone directory, so totally worth it.

  After a few more fun texts to Roy (fun for me), Max got a text from Becky. She may not know who I am, but she’s Max’s BFF.

  Max and Becky have been texting for the last few weeks. She knows I go to her school because we talk about stuff that only a kid at Emily Dickinson could know, like who shot milk out of their nose at lunch, or which teacher snores the loudest when they fall asleep in class.

  Becky’s text that night was the best. It made me realize that as bad as today had been, it wasn’
t a total waste.

  Becky: They’re making this short kid and this freakishly tall girl and a fat kid be in something called Safety Patrol

  Becky now knows I exist!

  CHAPTER 7

  The next day I got to school early and went to the library. I like to hide there until class starts. It’s the last place Roy would hang out.

  Plus, I like books. This morning I was reading Huckleberry Finn. It’s really good—even though it was written a million years ago. It’s about this kid, Huck, who runs away with a slave named Jim. They float down the Mississippi River. Lots of cool stuff happens.

  Huck and Jim are cooler than anyone I know. They look out for each other. Sometimes, I wish I had someone like Jim to look out for me. Like when I’m sitting in the library, and I think I’m alone. A friend like Jim could warn me that a mutant troll bully is about to suck me into its gravitational field.

  Roy caught me completely by surprise: No sound. No smell. I guess he ran out of body spray.

  I looked up to find him staring right at me. His eyes were like two tiny black holes sucking in everything in their gaze.

  I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was back in my locker.

  It was just as well. Being stuffed in my locker meant I was safe from Dr. Daniels. And from Safety Patrol. And, I suddenly realized, safe from trying and failing to do pull-ups in gym.

  At first I thought Roy had done me a favor, but then I remembered that if I’m late for class one more time I’ll get DETENTION!

  And I wouldn’t be alone. Detention is Roy’s after-school home away from home.

  I had to get out of my locker. And to make matters worse, my butt was tingling all the way down to my toes. I had a full-on case of zombie butt. There was no way I was getting out without some help.

  I couldn’t yell. I’d just end up in the office again and still be late to class. I needed to text a friend to come rescue me. That’s when I realized …

  I didn’t have any friends.

  But I did have those two phone numbers Dr. Daniels made me get from my Safety Patrol team members.

  Karl would probably help, but then he’d want to hang out, and pretty soon we’d both be dragging matching suitcase backpacks down the hall.

  But how could I text Molly? I barely knew her. She wasn’t going to help me. Unless … unless I helped her.

  Nick: I need u.

  Molly: Who r u?

  Nick: Nick!! Dr. D’s office? I’m stuck in my locker

  Molly: ?

  Nick: in my locker!

  Molly: ???

  Nick: A MUTANT TROLL BULLY STUFFED ME IN!!!!

  Molly: U don’t have 2 yell

  Nick: Plez get me out

  Molly: Get urself out

  Nick: I HAVE ZOMBIE BUTT!!

  Molly: U should have that looked at

  Nick: MY LEGS ARE ASLEEP!! Get me out, and I’ll tell u how we can stay out of Safety Patrol. First floor. # 187. Hurry!

  Molly: U R pathetic.

  Nick: Hello? r u coming?

  Nick: Hello?

  CHAPTER 8

  Just when I was starting to think Molly wasn’t going to come and I’d begun to wonder if I’d have to have my butt amputated, my locker door opened. “Great! Thanks,” I said. “Help me out of here.”

  Molly put her hand up. “Not before you tell me how we’re going to get out of Safety Patrol.”

  I told her.

  She wasn’t impressed. “Your plan is that we forge a doctor’s note that says we’re allergic to safety?”

  “I once got the nurse to excuse me from gym for being allergic to sweat,” I argued.

  “You made me come down here for that? You’re pathetic! I’m leaving you in there!” she yelled as she started to shut the locker door on me.

  “Please!” I begged. “I can’t get detention! Just get me out of here, and I swear I’ll come up with a better plan.”

  Molly just stared at me. Then she rolled her eyes, turned around, and said, “Hop on.”

  Hop on? I wasn’t going to let a girl give me a piggyback ride. “No way,” I said. I mean, how much humiliation can I take?

  “Fine. Be late for class.”

  I guess I can take a lot of humiliation. Which is a good thing, because once I was on her back I suddenly saw the world in a whole new way.

  I could see EVERYTHING! I could see the entire school. I could see every teacher, every student, and every clique. I could see the OMGs.

  And the Emogoths.

  And the Unsociables.

  And … trouble. We saw Roy and his pals, The Future Inmates of America.

  Roy and the FIA had Emily Dickinson Middle School’s only single-member clique in their sights. That’s when we stopped and hid.

  We were just about to make a tiptoe escape, when

  I got a call from … KARL?

  He asked, “Wanna hang out?”

  “NOW?” I whispered a bit too loudly.

  Roy and the FIA spotted us. Molly and I took off down the hall. We rounded a corner into a crowd of students. I got down on my hands and knees and yanked Molly down with me. We crawled into an empty classroom and hid behind a projector. We waited. Nothing happened for a minute or so. We thought we were safe. But we weren’t.

  That’s when things went from bad to worse … to weird.

  We were saved by the fire alarm. Normally, we’re all in class for fire drills, and everyone lines up single file to follow a teacher outside. But no one was in class yet. So no one knew where to go.

  Except for Safety Patrolman Karl.

  Karl did what he was trained to do: he pointed to the exits. This was his first mistake.

  His second mistake was thinking his Safety Patrol belt was a real belt. Because somehow, by the time we all got outside, Karl had gotten separated from his pants.

  Karl’s third mistake was wearing NanoNerd underwear.

  And his fourth and final mistake was letting Roy find his pants before he did.

  Everyone laughed and pointed as Roy made Karl jump for his pants.

  That’s when something inside me snapped. I thought someone should do something. Then, just as I decided that that someone should be me, Molly decided it should be her.

  Molly and I both rushed up to Roy at the same time. When I got there, I was so pumped, I said something really dumb:

  Molly whispered to me, “Or else what?”

  “I haven’t thought that far ahead,” I whispered back.

  Karl said, “I don’t think this is helping.”

  That’s when Roy let go of Karl’s pants and went after me.

  Roy grabbed my leg and lifted me upside down. “This doesn’t look very safe to me, Safety Patrol Boy!” he laughed.

  As I was hanging there, I heard someone yell something from behind us. It didn’t sound like a kid. But it didn’t sound like an adult either. I turned around to see who it was, but there was no one there.

  A kid yelled, “What?”

  The same strange voice yelled again. I couldn’t make it out. A different kid asked, “Bring what? Bring the crazy?”

  And I thought, Right. Like that’s going to work.

  But when Roy threatened to bust me like a piñata, I decided crazy was worth a try.

  So I started barking like a seal and flapping my arms like a chicken.

  Roy’s eyes got real wide. He started to look confused. And maybe a little … scared?

  And then he released me.

  It was working. I decided to push it up a notch. I …

  Roy was backing off, but not fast enough. I was just about to run out of crazy when Molly joined in.

  It took Karl a little longer to catch on. But once he got going, he brought his own “special” kind of crazy.

  After Karl busted his ballet move, Roy just stood there. He looked to the crowd of kids for help. But everyone just stared back in silence. Roy was alone. And maybe, for the first time, a little afraid.

  Then … he just took off.


  That’s when the weirdest part of all happened. The crowd started to cheer. And for the very first time, they cheered with us, and not against us.

  Molly, Karl, and I all looked at each other. Mr. Dupree was right: bringing the crazy really worked. We felt good. Really, really good.

  It lasted about twelve seconds.

  Still, it was twelve seconds I wouldn’t give back.

  As we all started filing back into the school, I spotted Mr. Dupree and yelled, “Thanks for reminding me to bring the crazy.”

  Mr. Dupree shook his head. “I just walked out here.”

  “If it wasn’t you, then who was it?” I said.

  Mr. Dupree eyes got really wide. “Emmmily …” He trembled.

  Karl gasped. “She exists!”

  Mr. Dupree nodded. “And she’s been busy, because I think she set the fire alarm off, too.”

  I rolled my eyes as Molly said, “He’s just messing with you, Karl. There’s no such thing as Emily.”

  “That voice was probably just someone who heard Mr. Dupree bring the crazy in the hallway yesterday,” I said. “And the office just got the time wrong on a fire drill.”

  “Wait? What happened yesterday?” asked Molly.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I said. “The important thing is that after today, I won’t ever get stuffed in a locker again.”

  Mr. Dupree smiled. “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”