Recess Revolution Page 3

  Molly and Karl looked confused. I shook my head. “Don’t ask.”

  Mr. Dupree said, “Tomorrow morning. Seven thirty. In the basement.”

  “Why? What’s happening then?” I asked.

  CHAPTER 9

  The next morning, Molly, Karl, and I stood in the school basement.

  Alone.

  Mr. Dupree was nowhere to be found in the mess of janitorial supplies and school junk from dinosaur days when they watched movies by hand.

  We were just about to leave when we heard a voice say, “Welcome to Safety Patrol.”

  We looked up and found Mr. Dupree sitting on a bucket—like he’d been there the whole time. He was wearing a weird-looking hat. He looked serious. Which was hard to do in that hat.

  Karl raised his hand. “Can I be captain?”

  “Let’s figure what you want to accomplish first,” said Mr. Dupree. “What’s your goal?”

  We looked at one another, then did what we always do when we don’t know what’ll happen if we give the wrong answer: we shrugged.

  Mr. Dupree shook his head. “First rule of Safety Patrol: no shrugging!”

  That seemed extreme.

  “Tell me, why are you here?” he said.

  Karl raised his hand again. “I thought there’d be doughnuts.”

  “We want to make the school safe from bullies!” interrupted Molly.

  I looked at Molly and said, “We do?”

  “Yesterday, everyone was on our side. It was the first time I felt like I fit in,” said Molly. “Lik I was popular. Bullies don’t pick on popular kids.”

  I said, “So?”

  “If everyone fits in, no one will get bullied! We need to help everyone fit in!”

  “Even Karl?” I asked.

  Molly nodded. “Even Karl.”

  As we talked, Mr. Dupree smiled that grown-up smile that should come with its own thought balloon.

  Mr. Dupree said, “You won a point. You didn’t win the match. And you don’t win the match by making friends. You win by taking from the other side the thing they’re trying to take from you.”

  “Their pants.” Karl nodded.

  Mr. Dupree shook his head. “Have you ever heard the story about the man in India who went to live in the jungle with the tigers?”

  We all shook our heads no.

  “The man thought all creatures could live together in harmony. He believed that he could live with tigers. He thought they would accept him as one of their own. He lived and played among them for weeks.”

  Karl smiled. “Nice tigers.”

  “One day, the man brought one of the tigers a banana to eat. The tiger looked at the banana and then at the man. You know what happened next?”

  Karl raised his hand. “The tiger gave him a hug?”

  “The tiger ate him.”

  Karl looked at his shoes. “I don’t like this story.”

  Mr. Dupree leaned forward and whispered, “Tigers don’t fit in. They don’t have to. Be the tiger, not the stupid man.”

  Molly and Karl were a little freaked out, but I had heard Mr. Dupree’s stories before.

  “That sounds like another one of your ‘lies that tell the truth,’” I said.

  Molly said, “Wait. How can a lie tell the truth?”

  “Exactly.” I nodded. I turned to Mr. Dupree and said, “How can a lie tell the truth?”

  He smiled. “Patience. Though she be a tired mare, yet she will plod.”

  I had no idea what that meant. I turned to Molly, but she just shrugged. And Karl was … well … you know …

  By the time Molly and I pried Karl out of that desk, Mr. Dupree was gone. In his place on the mop bucket were two brand-new Safety Patrol badges.

  Molly said, “We don’t need badges.”

  Karl was disappointed. “We don’t?”

  Molly shook her head. “Mr. Dupree is wrong: we definitely need to fit in. Those badges will jus make us stick out. We can’t help other kids fit in if we don’t fit in.”

  “How are we going to help other kids fit in?” I asked.

  “We get the popular kids to accept them or else—”

  “We bring more crazy.” I nodded.

  “But what about the tigers?” asked Karl.

  Molly turned to Karl. “There aren’t any tigers, Karl!”

  “You’re sure?” asked Karl as he chewed on his fingernails. “I really don’t want to get eaten.”

  “No one’s going to eat you, Karl,” I said.

  I shook my head and thought, Welcome to Safety Patrol.

  CHAPTER 10

  Tigers are not our friends.

  Mr. Dupree was right. Molly was wrong. And what I got for trying to upset the natural order was another case of zombie butt.

  What went wrong? What didn’t go wrong?

  Our plan was for each of us to help one unpopular kid fit in.

  Karl picked Warren Pickles. Warren is the only kid in school who doesn’t move away when Karl sits down for lunch.

  Warren has a problem with personal space: he doesn’t believe in it.

  Karl’s mission was to get Warren accepted by the Unsociables. Which sounds like it would be easy. Strange attracts stranger. Right? Wrong.

  It turns out that even the socially lame have boundaries. Warren bulldozed right past those and made himself at home.

  The result? The Unsociables hung Karl and Warren up by their shorts. It took a block and pulley and twenty minutes taking turns, but they did it.

  While Karl waited for rescue, Molly tried to get the OMGs to embrace Emily Dickinson Middle School’s resident wallflower, Alice Frektner. Molly figured the OMGs would leap at such a tempting makeover challenge. But they didn’t leap. They just sort of stood there and stared.

  The problem was that Alice is what Memaw would call “plain.” As in, plain hard to see. She’s just sort of not there. Which made her kind of difficult to introduce.

  The OMGs thought Molly was crazy. And not “bring the crazy” crazy. More like “get back, we don’t want to catch your crazy” kind of crazy.

  My mission was the hardest. And the most dangerous. I decided I was going to go epic or go home.

  I decided to recruit Roy to the human race.

  What I imagined would happen is I’d walk up to Roy and be all …

  What actually happened was I walked up to him and said, “Dude!”

  Roy immediately turned to me, and for just a second, he looked just a little scared.

  And then he didn’t.

  I said, “We’re cool, right?”

  As soon as I said right, I knew nothing was right. Roy’s black-hole eyes narrowed. He growled. Then snarled. And I think he snorted once or twice.

  I panicked.

  I brought the crazy.

  Nothing happened. Roy just sat there. Mr. Dupree never mentioned there was an expiration date on bringing the crazy.

  The entire cafetorium was watching. I quickly looked around, searching for help—but there wasn’t any.

  When I turned back, I came face to face with Roy’s gut. I leaned back and slowly looked up… .

  You don’t want Jell-O-Meat dumped on you. Jell-O-Meat stains. Jell-O-Meat stains skin. Like a tattoo. Only light-years less cool.

  I screamed. I ducked. I dove. I ran.

  And hid.

  Like I said, Roy can’t stuff me in my locker if I’m already in it. It’s not so bad.

  Except for the zombie butt.

  CHAPTER 11

  After school, Molly, Karl, and I met near the buses. Molly and I agreed we were done with Safety Patrol. Karl wasn’t so sure. On the one hand, fire exits don’t point out themselves; but on the other hand, due to constant wedgies, he was running out of underwear.

  We were right back where we started. Only worse. It was like we had never stood up to Roy, and the other kids had never cheered, and we were never popular for a whole twelve seconds.

  Now, everyone knew who we were. Everyone knew who I was.

&nb
sp; I was famous.

  Not movie-star famous. More like that-kid-in-the-YouTube-video-who-gets-his-head-stuck-in-a-mailbox kind of famous. Everyone knows you.

  No one wants to be anywhere near you.

  Just like on the bus that day.

  I sat there watching the kids in front whisper to one another and look back at me, and I thought of something Mom told me right after she and Dad split up:

  That made feel better until I looked out the window and saw Roy and Becky. Together. AGAIN!

  And … she was touching him! On the ARM! ON PURPOSE!

  She can’t do that! It’s not allowed! It’s unnatural! Mutant Troll Bully–human touching is strictly forbidden according to Rule 6 in the Top 10 Rules for When I Run the Universe:

  I turned away from the window, sank down in my seat, and stared at my shoes. “‘Nothing will come of nothing,’” said a voice from outside the bus.

  I looked out the window again. Mr. Dupree was staring up at me. I said, “You just make this stuff up, don’t you?”

  “You’re not the first person in the history of the world to have a tough day.”

  I stared straight ahead.

  “You ever hear about the abominable snow goat?”

  I rolled my eyes. “There’s no such thing.”

  “Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t,” he said. “No one’s ever really seen one up close. Talk about having a tough day. They live at twenty thousand feet in the snow and ice of the Himalayas, where there’s only enough oxygen for one abominable snow goat every ten miles.”

  He said, “It would be easy for them to live down with the regular goats where there’s plenty of air to breathe and plenty of goats to breathe it with.”

  I ignored him as the bus started.

  “You know why they don’t go live with the other goats?”

  The bus started to move.

  Mr. Dupree smiled. “Because then they wouldn’t have a chance to be on top of the world.”

  CHAPTER 12

  When I got home, I wasn’t thinking about Mr. Dupree’s snow goats. All I could think about was how Becky may be scarred for life after touching Roy’s Mutant Troll acid oozing skin and how I couldn’t wait to get to my room and start text-torturing Roy.

  I made a beeline for Memaw’s phone, but quickly realized there was no way I was going to get it anytime soon.

  When you see your grandma hypnotizing a dog, you stop. “Why are you hypnotizing Janice?”

  “So she’ll stop farting,” Memaw said.

  Janice looked at me like she wanted to say:

  Before I could rescue Janice, Memaw started reading a book on her lap. “‘Once the subject is relaxed they will become open to any suggestion.’”

  Memaw looked at Janice. “When I snap my fingers you will stop farting.”

  Janice farted.

  “I must be doing something wrong,” she said as she grabbed her can of deodorizer and started spraying.

  “I don’t think you can hypnotize dogs,” I said.

  “Okay, then I’ll hypnotize you.”

  “I don’t have a farting problem.”

  “I’m sure we can think of something you need to improve on.”

  You can run from Memaw. But you can’t hide. She’ll just hunt you down to cut your hair with a vacuum cleaner or force you to be her yoga assistant.

  “I’ve got it!” said Memaw. “You need to eat more beets!”

  “No one eats beets,” I whined.

  “They build strong spleens.”

  “Memaw, please!”

  “‘Nothing will come of nothing.’”

  “What did you say?”

  “It’s Shakespeare. It means if we don’t try, we can’t succeed. Now, sit down and let me hypnotize you.”

  “Who’s Shakespeare?”

  Memaw looked at me like I just spit in her oatmeal, then proceeded to tell me more than I ever wanted to know about some old dude who wrote a bunch of plays a million years ago.

  As Memaw lectured, I pretty much lost track of what year it was. Before I could recover, she started to swing her pill container in front of me whispering,

  She snapped her fingers. Janice farted. Then peed on the rug.

  Memaw immediately turned to me and said, “Your mother doesn’t need to know about this.”

  I smiled. “Deal.”

  While Memaw went to the kitchen to get some sort of cleanser that kills alien parasites, I snatched her cell phone and ran upstairs to my room, texting Roy on the way.

  Max: U seen Ty O’rea?

  Roy: Who’s Ty O’rea?

  Max: U R Ty O’rea!

  Long pause. Then:

  Roy: I’m going 2 strangle the snot out a U!!!!

  Max: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  Max is a lot funnier than I am. I mean, I’m funnier as Max than I am as me.

  After I messed with Roy for a while, Max got a text from Becky.

  Becky: u c that short safety patrol kid in the cafetorium?

  Max: 1 who almost got a jell-o-meat tat?

  Becky: Yeah, he tried 2 make friends w/ Roy

  Max: 2 stupid

  Becky: 2 brave

  I thought, “Wait? What? She thinks I’m brave?”

  Becky: r we going 2 meet?

  Max: short kid?

  Becky: No. u, stupid. after school tomorrow?

  Max: Cant. Skydiving practice

  Becky: ???

  Max: L8R gator

  Sure, the skydiving thing was lame. But I had a bigger problem: could I really afford to quit Safety Patrol? I decided to work it out with a logic tree.

  It was clear what I had to do. I erased the messages on Memaw’s phone, picked up my own phone, and immediately texted Molly and Karl:

  Nick: Meet me in the basement before school tmrrw

  Molly: What? Why? We’re not in Safety Patrol anymore

  Nick: Just do it. I’ll explain

  Karl: This is my first text. I’m so excited!

  Karl: Guys?

  Karl: Guys?

  Karl: What am I doing wrong?

  Karl: Guys?

  CHAPTER 13

  The next morning, I stood across from Karl and The Stare Master in the school basement and told them we shouldn’t quit Safety Patrol.

  They weren’t very receptive.

  “You want us to keep going after yesterday!” yelled Molly.

  Karl rubbed his butt. “It still chafes!”

  I couldn’t tell them the truth. I couldn’t tell them my alternate universe girlfriend thought what I did the day before with Roy was brave.

  So I told them, “We need to stay in Safety Patrol because nothing equals something. I mean something plus nothing equals nothing. No, that’s not right, it’s nothing minus something times nothing equals something.”

  “Safety Patrol? That is SO lame!”

  We turned around. Roy stood at the top of the stairs. He laughed. “What are you? Some sort of Super Secret Freak Force?”

  In case I haven’t mentioned it, Molly really hates being called a freak. She skips the Stare Master stage and transforms straight into the Were-Molly.

  Karl said, “You can’t be down here.”

  Roy leaned over Karl and said, “Who’s going to stop me?”

  “We’re going to stop you!” said Molly, as she launched a plunger directly at Roy’s head.

  Roy looked up. He wasn’t happy. “Who DID that?!”

  Roy furiously tugged at the plunger, but it wouldn’t budge. He finally gave up, lowered his head, and charged.

  Just as the lights went out.

  “What’s going on?”

  The lights came back on. We looked up and saw Mr. Dupree glaring at us from the top of the stairs.

  Mr. Dupree quickly came down the stairs and helped Roy up (with the plunger still attached to his head).

  I smiled. “You can keep the hat.”

  As Roy was leaving, I whispered to Molly, “I guess you’re back.”

  “Shut up,” said
Molly.

  Mr. Dupree said, “Who was that kid?”

  We all shrugged.

  Mr. Dupree shook his head. “What did I say was the first rule of Safety Patrol?

  We all looked down and said, “No shrugging.”

  “When I said, ‘Be the tiger and not the stupid man,’ I meant be smarter, not stronger. You want to control your opponent. And you can’t do that without controlling yourself.”

  Karl raised his hand. “I can go three hours without blinking.”

  Mr. Dupree ignored Karl. “And the first step to controlling yourself is to know yourself. To know your strengths and your weaknesses.”

  Karl raised his hand again. “I have a shy bladder!” Then, realizing his mistake, he added, “Please don’t tell anyone.”

  Mr. Dupree went on. “To know what you know and what you don’t know, and especially what you don’t know that you don’t know.”

  I thought, I’m pretty sure I know that I don’t know what he’s talking about.

  “You start by gathering intelligence,” said Mr. Dupree.

  Mr. Dupree shook his head. “Leave the seventh graders alone, Karl.”

  Mr. Dupree started to leave. “Tomorrow we’ll start learning the basics of intelligence gathering: disguises, surveillance, and secure communications.”

  After Mr. Dupree left, I turned to Molly. “He knows it’s Roy we’re after.”

  “How?” asked Molly.

  “The lights! He had to have turned them off just as Roy charged,” I said. “And I think he also pulled the alarm, and somehow was the voice from the soccer field. I think he’s helping us.”

  “How do you know it wasn’t Emily?” said Karl.

  “Because Emily doesn’t exist!” I said.